Embracing the Struggle: Lessons in Resilience and Growth

Watching the IDLES in Margate this weekend, we are reminded that in the raw, pulsating world of IDLES' music, we find a powerful message about mental health and personal growth. As Joe Talbot, the band's frontman, reminds us, life's challenges are not just obstacles to overcome, but opportunities for transformation.
 

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

At the heart of healing lies vulnerability. It's easy to build walls, to hide our pain behind a façade of strength. But true strength, as IDLES' lyrics often suggest, comes from openness. In the words of renowned therapist Brené Brown, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."
 

Embracing the Darkness

Grief, anger, sadness - these emotions are not enemies to be vanquished, but vital parts of our human experience. As Talbot candidly shares about his own loss, "You're supposed to be sad, so feel sad. Don't apologise to yourself or anyone else for feeling sad, or down, or angry." This echoes the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which teaches us to accept our thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them.
 

Breaking the Cycle

Many of us find ourselves trapped in cycles of behaviour that no longer serve us. Whether it's substance use, negative self-talk, or harmful relationships, recognising these patterns is the first step towards change. Therapy teaches us that by compassionately connecting with our struggles, accepting our true selves, examining our thoughts and our behaviours, we can break free from these cycles.
 

The Power of Connection

In an age where technology often leaves us feeling more isolated than ever, IDLES remind us of the vital importance of human connection. Their AF GANG community is a testament to the healing power of belonging. As social psychologist Matthew Lieberman argues, our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water.
 

Cultivating Joy as Resistance

In a world that often seems designed to wear us down, finding joy can be a revolutionary act. This doesn't mean forced positivity or ignoring real problems. Instead, it's about finding moments of light even in the darkest times. It's about creating art, building communities, and loving fiercely in the face of adversity.
 

The Journey Forward

Healing isn't a destination; it's a journey. It's about progress, not perfection. As we navigate our mental health, let's remember to be patient with ourselves, to seek help when we need it, and to keep moving forward, even when the path seems unclear.
 

In the end, as IDLES' music reminds us, we're all in this together. By sharing our stories, embracing our struggles, and supporting each other, we can create a world where mental health is not a source of shame, but a shared human experience that connects us all.

Remember, in the words of Joe Talbot, "All is love."

# Toxic Masculinity: A Compassionate Exploration

 In our society, men often find themselves navigating a complex maze of expectations and unspoken rules about what it means to be "a real man." These expectations, which we've come to know as toxic masculinity, can cast a long shadow over men's lives, affecting their sense of self-worth, their relationships, and their overall well-being.

 It's crucial to approach this topic with empathy and understanding. The term "toxic masculinity" isn't an indictment of masculinity itself or of men as individuals. Rather, it's a recognition that certain cultural norms and expectations placed on men can be deeply harmful – not just to women and non-binary individuals, but to men themselves.

Imagine growing up in a world where showing vulnerability is seen as weakness and where expressing a full range of emotions is often met with judgment or ridicule. This is the reality for many men in our society.

We forget that men, like women, live within the same culturally derived patriarchy. While it may grant them certain privileges, it also imposes a rigid framework for what constitutes "acceptable" male behaviour. This framework often leaves little room for the rich tapestry of human emotion and experience.

Consider the pressure many men feel to be the primary breadwinner, to always be strong and in control, to never show weakness or uncertainty. These expectations can create an immense burden, tying a man's sense of self-worth inextricably to his capacity to provide and protect. In times of economic hardship or personal struggle, this burden can become overwhelming, leading to feelings of failure, inadequacy, and shame.

The impact of these expectations ripples out into all aspects of life. In relationships, men might struggle to express their needs or emotions, fearing that vulnerability will be seen as unmanly. In friendships, they might hold back from deep, meaningful connections, trapped by the notion that men should be self-reliant and emotionally stoic. In their professional lives, they might push themselves to unhealthy limits, equating success and long hours with their value as a person.

Breaking free from these harmful patterns isn't easy. It requires courage, self-reflection, and often, support. This is where counselling can play a vital role. A skilled therapist can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for men to explore their emotions, challenge ingrained beliefs, and develop a healthier, more authentic sense of self.

In therapy, men can begin to unpack the ways toxic masculinity has shaped their lives and learn to redefine strength on their own terms. They can discover that true strength lies not in suppressing emotions, but in acknowledging and expressing them. They can learn that seeking help is not a weakness, but a powerful tool for growth and healing.

As we work to dismantle toxic masculinity, it's essential to approach the task with compassion – not just for others, but for ourselves. Change doesn't happen overnight, and unlearning deeply ingrained societal norms is a process. It's okay to struggle, to make mistakes, to not have all the answers.

By fostering a more inclusive, empathetic understanding of masculinity, we create space for men to be their full, authentic selves. This benefits not just men, but everyone in society. It allows for richer, more genuine relationships, more collaborative and empathetic workplaces, and a world where everyone – regardless of gender – can express themselves freely and fully.

Remember, challenging toxic masculinity isn't about tearing men down – it's about liberating them from restrictive, harmful norms. It's about creating a world where every person can define their worth on their own terms, express their full range of emotions, and seek support without fear of judgment.

In this journey towards healthier masculinity, every step counts. Every conversation, every moment of vulnerability, every act of support contributes to a more compassionate, understanding world. And in that world, we all thrive.

#ToxicMasculinity #MentalHealth #EmotionalIntelligence #GenderEquality #Counselling #SelfWorth #Vulnerability #HealthyMasculinity #PatriarchyAwareness #EmotionalWellbeing #jofustablet

#idlesband

#allislove

The Undervalued Path of Inner Growth

Society rarely rewards the hard work of personal development in tangible ways. There are no promotions, bonuses, or public accolades for becoming a more emotionally intelligent, authentic, and an empathetic human being. However, the ripple effects of this work are immeasurable and far-reaching.

Breaking the Cycle of Hurt
As the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” When we choose to do our deeper inner work, we actively break this cycle of pain:

- We stop transferring our unresolved traumas to our children
- We create spaces of healing in our relationships
- We contribute to a more compassionate society

Accessing Our Full Potential
Inner work enables us to develop our emotional intelligence and self-awareness. This process isn’t about abstract concepts, but about understanding ourselves better and recognising our capacity for growth and connection.
Through consistent self-reflection and personal development:

- We can approach life with more grace and understanding
- We can become more resilient in the face of challenges
- We can cultivate a sense of purpose

Seeing the Beauty in Others
Perhaps one of the most transformative aspects of inner work is how it changes our perception of others. As we become more self-aware and compassionate towards ourselves, we can naturally extend this vision to those around us. We can begin to:

- Look beyond surface-level differences and foster genuine connections based on mutual understanding and respect.

From GDP to ROE (Return on Energy)
If we move towards a more holistic “Return on Energy” model we are better able to consider:

- Emotional growth
- The quality of our relationships
- Our impact on the environment
- The wellbeing of future generations
- The overall health and happiness of individuals and communities could create a societal shift in values.

Your journey of becoming a more grounded, compassionate, and resilient human being is not just a personal endeavour—it’s a gift to those around you and a crucial investment in our collective future.

 

Why we're obsessed with # Polin?

The relationship between Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton in Bridgerton Season 3 brings up important issues around self-esteem, unrequited love, and pinning too much of your self-worth on another person's romantic interest.

For years, the kind-hearted but overlooked Penelope nursed an intense, one-sided infatuation with the oblivious Colin. She imagined he was her destiny, putting him on an idealised pedestal. 

However, absorbed in his own life, Colin failed to reciprocate her feelings, leaving Penelope's self-esteem tied to his approval.

It's understandable to develop powerful crushes, especially at a young age or when you feel unseen by others. 

The fantasy of being noticed and desired by that special someone can cast an irresistible spell. Quietly aching for that one person whose eyes you dare not meet, out of fear that they will speak a thousand unspoken thoughts. We've all been there, mesmerised by the idea of the ultimate romantic happy ending. 

However, staking your entire sense of self-worth on someone's romantic interest is a risky proposition. 

Rejection can shatter confidence. Even if the feelings are reciprocated initially, obsessive attachment and pedestaling can create imbalance and suffocation in a relationship.

The path forward is about cultivating an unshakeable sense of self-worth independent of others' validation. 

Learning to appreciate yourself for your qualities, talents and values first. Develop your own interests, nurture supportive friendships, and achieve goals meaningful to you. 

From that solid base, you can then pursue romantic connections from a position of confidence and clarity about what you truly need.

Unattainable fantasies about perfect lovers can breed disappointment. 

Real, compatible partners see your inherent worth and appreciate all facets of who you are. They enhance your life as an equal partner, not as an all-consuming obsession defining your value. 

You deserve to be cherished, but you must cherish yourself first.

But why do we all seem to be waiting with bated breath, fervently hoping for this happy conclusion to their story? 

Could it be that on some level, we are living vicariously through these characters, wanting to see them achieve the love and acceptance we may have craved or missed out on in our own lives?

Penelope's years of longing for Colin's affections strike a resonant chord - who hasn't been made to feel invisible or unworthy at some point?

And Colin's search for his place and purpose reflects our own journeys to build self-worth beyond society's judgements.

When we see them finally find one another as equals, appreciating each other's true selves, it represents a triumph over the insecurities, doubts, and harsh self-criticism that we all grapple with. 

Their happy ending offers hope that we too can overcome our own internal obstacles to build healthy self-love and mutually fulfilling relationships.

So while cheering them on from the sidelines, we're really rooting for a part of ourselves to be made whole in the process. 

Their storybook romance allows us to envision our own healing and acceptance, giving us strength through the seasons until we attain it.

We start with high hopes

When we start relationships, we usually have basic hopes - that our partner will treat us kindly, respond to our needs, make time for us, provide clarity, respect us, show compassion, and be kind.

These aren’t high hopes, but rather the very least we should expect.

However, sometimes we find ourselves constantly asking for these basics from our partner: respond to messages, make plans together, provide clarity on the relationship, treat us with respect, show compassion when we’re struggling, or extend basic kindness.

When this happens, it’s a sign that something in the relationship dynamic is skewed. We are essentially asking our partner to meet the absolute basic requirements.

Always having to ask for the basics isn’t something we can keep doing, and it’s not fair.

The difficult truth is that sometimes, people cannot give us what we need, no matter how much we ask, because they most likely don’t have it to give.

People who are deeply struggling often cannot provide us with the peace, stability and safety we crave, because they don’t have it within themselves.

It’s not because you are unworthy of love - “you aren’t hard to love.” The inability lies within the limitations and struggles of the other person.
We have to see them for who they are, not who you wish they could be.

Recognising this in a relationship is painful. But it’s necessary if we want to stop the cycle of asking for basics and move towards healthier dynamics that allow us to feel fulfilled, rather than constantly grasping for crumbs.

You deserve relationships that don’t require constantly lowering our standards to the very least.

Therapy can help find healthier ways of relating, and the compassion for yourself to expect more.

Anger and rage are not the same! 

If our heartbeat is a vital sign of physical life, anger is the vital sign of emotional life. 
 

Anger is a pure feeling - a type of energy that motivates us to protect ourselves in life and relationships.
 

It's like an alarm that goes off when we sense a threat. This "anger alarm" is important.
 

It signals us that we need to guard our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual well-being.
 

However, western society and culture strongly discourages expressing anger, teaching us to suppress fundamentally protective feelings.
 

This obscures the potentially positive aspects of anger.

Anger brings meaning and understanding to feelings and can be communicated in positive ways that connect us and in our relationships. 

An example of anger can be feeling disappointed that someone let us down. It is normal to feel hurt, and it is ok to express that. 

"I'm really upset that you broke your promise to me. I was looking forward to that all week."  
 

Letting yourself feel the anger rather than suppressing it, then being able to move forward once you've expressed it. 

Taking time out when feeling angry to cool off - going for a walk, listening to music, can help. 
 

This healthily acknowledges and articulates the anger, rather than bottling it up, while also handling it responsibly whether the other person validates or understands how you feel or not.
 

Rage on the other hand is not an emotion, but a trauma related defence mechanism, an emotional reaction to something that happened in life, whether big or small, that a person has not fully dealt with. 

Rage is learned in infancy as a response to unmet needs, this could be if a child is abandoned, or when a parent is physically there but unable to connect emotionally because of their own trauma. 

It also happens when a parent abuses or neglects a child. 

When a baby's needs are not met, they feel like their life is in danger and they might not survive. As the distress grows, the baby feels scared, hurt, rejected, and abandoned. 

The distress can become unbearable, taking over the baby's whole experience and living in an overwhelming state of anxiety. Babies cannot deal with these feelings alone. 

Fearing they will die, the baby cries louder to call for help. The baby tries to show the caregiver how much they are suffering so the caregiver will help calm them down. 

If a baby keeps having their needs ignored, eventually they may give up on signalling their distress. Without care and comfort, the baby learns to disconnect from their feelings and needs.

As result, in adulthood they may feel the world is unsafe and attacking as that is all they have known. 

At a minimum, they might feel unimportant. 

At most, they learned that they should not exist. 

But they do exist and want to be seen and feel important, which is the internal conflict.

To deal with this conflict, they might continue to ignore their true feelings and needs, they may have become a stranger to themselves and what they need, and do not know how to deal with big feelings. 

If we didn’t learn from our caregivers, it becomes a language we never learned and makes it hard to do that for others in our relationships .

This disconnection and lack of compassion for ourselves can last for decades and old unprocessed hurts get buried. 
Rage can arise when the emotional wound is too raw to examine, deflecting the pain into misdirected aggression. 

When we are triggered by something that unconsciously reminds us of past trauma, all the old unprocessed pain erupts. 

The feelings remain as huge as they were in childhood. All rational thinking is lost, and the rage ensues, as large and overwhelming as the feelings were as a baby. 

Unresolved rage strains relationships, as underlying hurt goes unaddressed, while lashing out pushes loved ones away and isolates us from ourselves and others. 

Rage is always destructive. Rage occurs out of autopilot desperation.

Trauma counselling can transform and help to neutralise your rage by helping you understand, validate and separate from your difficult childhood experiences, as well as take responsibility for present day behaviours. 

Therapy helps you reconnect with your feelings and needs, this helps you be able to do the same with others. 

We do not judge you for how you spent a life surviving.

This is stateofmind therapy.

For more information "Anger, Rage and Relationship - An empathic approach to anger management. By Sue Parker Hall. 

Beneath Every Behaviour There is a Feeling

Our behaviours are often driven by underlying emotions and unmet needs. Instead of just reacting to behaviours you want to change, counselling helps us dive deeper to identify the root causes - the feelings and needs beneath the surface. 

When we can recognise and meet those core needs in a healthy way, rather than just trying to change the outward behaviour, we start addressing the real issues instead of just the symptoms.

Whether you're struggling with relationship problems, anxiety, grief, or just feeling stuck, counseling provides a compassionate space to explore your inner world. A skilled counsellor can help you peel back the layers, make sense of your emotions, and find constructive ways to get your core needs met. 

Don't dismiss my feelings

We know adults want to help when we struggle. But being told "don't worry, or it will be fine" often makes us feel invalidated.

What we really need is understanding that our intense emotions matter.

While adults mean well by trying to "fix" our feelings, we need them to listen, ask thoughtful questions, and not to unintentionally minimise what feels huge or assume our feelings.

For example, "I'm sorry that happened, what's on your mind? How are you feeling about what happened?"

We need adults to help us process confusing feelings shaping our still-developing identity, not just solutions.

There are a few reasons why small things can feel huge for teenagers:

• Teen brains are still developing.
 

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls planning, decision-making, and emotional regulation, is still developing during the teenage years. It does not finish developing until around 25 years old.

The parts that process emotions and social interactions are especially sensitive during adolescence. Small emotional events or social issues get amplified.

• Teens lack life experience and perspective.
 

Issues that may seem trivial to adults can feel massive for teens who are navigating new social dynamics and life challenges for the first time. They don't have the neural pathways (hindsight) yet to put things in perspective.

• Identity formation stage.

The teenage years are an important time for developing personal identity, values, and beliefs. Small things can feel like threats to a teen's emerging sense of self, making them loom large.
 

• Seeking independence. 

As part of the biological maturation process, Teenagers are seeking greater autonomy from parents, but very much still need parental support. Small conflicts or rule enforcements can provoke strong emotional reactions as teens try to assert independence.
 

• Self-consciousness.

Many teens struggle with appearance, social standing, and fitting in. Subtle social cues or perceived judgments from others can be impactful when teens are self-conscious.
 

For teens the combination of neurological and physiological changes, lack of experience, evolving identity, and social sensitivity makes small events feel momentous for many going through the adolescent stage of life. 

Their voice matters.

Feeling Hijacked by emotional triggers?

We all have emotional reactions and triggers that can feel confusing or irrational at times, that seem to come out of nowhere. However, these responses often have roots in our past experiences, especially those early in life. Difficult childhood events can plant seeds that later grow into the intense reactions we have as adults.

As humans, we have an ancient self-preservation system in our brain called the limbic system [primal brain]. It includes the amygdala, our emotional command centre. When our amygdala detects real or remembered danger, or fear it triggers our fight-flight-freeze response before our thinking brain even knows what hit us.

Our adrenaline spikes, cortisol and other stress hormones course through us, tensing our muscles and heightening our reactions. Our heart pounds, breaths quicken, and blood diverts from logic centres to muscles needing oxygen. We are primed to react with our survival on the line.

If the threat is emotional, our body can’t tell the difference.  So we get hit with this biological cascade designed to protect us from bodily harm. We’re immersed in the same survival stress response our ancestors had when facing a predator.

Once all those stress hormones flood our system, we lose access to the logic and coping skills stored in our thinking brain. We don’t mean to overreact, but our primal brain takes over. We’re left struggling not to fight, run or freeze until the moment passes. It’s no wonder that we feel so overwhelmed.

For example, if you felt controlled or powerless as a child, you may instinctively rebel or resist even reasonable requests now as an adult. A request may subconsciously trigger old feelings of loss of autonomy. This can spark an anger response that seems disproportionate in the moment.

Or if you felt neglected by unavailable parents, any hint of others not being there for you now can instantly create a wave of anxiety. Those old wounds of emotional isolation surface, and you feel abandoned all over again.

Anger when feeling unheard likely ties back to being dismissed or ignored growing up. Feeling invisible to key people in your early life understandably shapes a strong need to feel heard and valued today. Even small moments of perceived disregard can trigger that old pain.

And when situations arise that make you feel helpless, that may echo times in childhood when you felt utterly powerless. 

If life events or others’ actions frequently made you feel you had no control, you may instinctively panic when caught in that kind of loss of agency again.

The good news is that by increasing our self-awareness, we can start recognising the roots of our emotional reactions. We can consider how past experiences colour our perceptions and make us prone to intense responses. This takes the blinkers off those responses and helps us handle life’s current moments with more understanding and self-compassion.

By recognising these biological processes, we can start to gently manage our triggered reactions rather than letting them control us. We gain insight into why we feel so overwhelmed and why it’s truly not our fault. 

And with care for ourselves, we learn to navigate those painful moments of activation with self-compassion. Understanding that in these moments we are reacting as defenceless wounded children, which is why triggers can feel so overwhelming.

There are effective techniques we can use together to ease the intensity when you feel triggered. This starts by helping you identify what specific situations tend to spark overwhelming reactions - that makes the triggers more predictable. 

We'll also work on noticing early signs that you're becoming activated, like tense muscles or changes in mood. Talking about your feelings,  feeling heard, understood and validated, maybe for the first time, helps heal wounds.

This builds self-awareness so you can catch rising emotions. From there, we can introduce coping tools to interrupt your body's stress response before it hijacks your thinking brain.  

There isn’t one universal approach, understanding how your nervous system and brain learned to cope - we’ll collaborate to find what works best for you. 

Over time, with practice, you’ll respond more consciously rather than reflexively react.  

You’ll move through triggers and intense sensations in ways that feel empowering rather than debilitating for yourself and those you love.

This is stateofmind therapy.